Lynn's Lament
by AberrantScript
Summary: Lynn Jr. daydreams about being with the one he loves; until that dream opens up to a nightmare. A story about self-exploration, self-awareness, and self-loathing.


**Author's Notes:**

An idea that's been on my mind for quite awhile. Just to let my readers know, I'm still working on that "update" as well as a new oneshot. I hope to update twice this weekend~

Disclaimer: _The Loud House_ Copyright Nickelodeon (2018)

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LYNN'S LAMENT

Lynn was sitting on his bed as he had grown used to doing oft in the past couple years.

Thankfully, Lars was hiding away in some dank crevice; giving both of them space to think, to mope, to mourn.

Lynn looked in the mirror and he smiled. His hair had grown long enough to justify a ponytail. He raked his hands in his long, brunette hair. His face was freckled and rough from his activities. His hands reached down to cup his chiseled chest. At his age, he could pretend, but...

He closed his eyes and cupped his hands on air, molding them around a pair of small breasts. Yeah... it wasn't the same.

He laid back on the mattress.

He let his hand creep down his stomach. It was so flat and rippling with muscles. He wished so badly it would have a gentle curve one day. But it wouldn't.

He reached his shorts and he slipped his hand over to cup himself. A few bits of worthless things that only ever got in his way.

He looked at the door. It was closed. He slipped his shorts down just enough to give some room for his hand.

He slipped inside and cupped himself properly.

He tried pressing down, making himself as flat as possible. He pressed a finger to his nutsack, and for one brief half-second, he thought to himself...

That's what it's like to be a girl.

But it wasn't the same.

Normally, this experimentation would be enough. On a particularly bad day of self hate, he'd wonder how bad it'd hurt to take a knife and- Sigh. But those were rare.

On some days, he'd just lay there and feel his body. And pretend he was somebody else. With a better body. A good figure. Something he admired.

Recently, it gained a focus.

Now, it wasn't about hating the culture he was expected to enjoy. Or even hating the limitations of his body. Or the fears that he himself couldn't control... in a relationship. Or maybe it was a combination of all of that and more, directed at a single target... that brought him to such a low point.

His brother.

Lynn should be out dating high school chicks. And here he was...

While his bro was at a school dance tonight, Lynn stayed home.

He closed his eyes and imagined.

His brother's hands were touching feminine curves. His eyes were looking into soft pupils. He could smell a woman's scent as she twirled with him across the floor.

Tears fell down Lynn's cheeks as he gave that faceless woman a mask... His own identity. And he watched as his brother and himself danced across the floor like nothing else in the world mattered.

His brother held onto his hips. He laid his head on his breast. His heart beat by his. The evening went perfectly. And soon they could leave.

They headed for the car. His brother picked him up as they crossed the threshold of the exit. Lynn's hands wrapped around his brother's neck. And he leaned down to peck Lynn on the cheek.

He whined, so his brother playfully scoffed and gave Lynn what he truly wanted. A proper kiss.

He sat him down; and the two held hands as they walked to the car.

They sat down in the back seat. Lynn's hands trembled as he started undoing his dress. His brother started taking off his shirt.

Lynn laid back and let his brother look at his naked body. A woman's body. And the man was speechless. So he spoke with his hands. Touching him in ways Lynn had always wanted. Claiming his body in ways he always wanted done to himself.

Lynn reached down and cupped his own feminine sex. And it was perfect. Perfect for his brother. A beautiful match.

Even if the pain would mostly be his, he didn't care. He wanted it so much it hurt worse than any sexual act.

He felt his brother push in, and Lynn cupped his cheeks. He kissed him. "I want you to have it." And the pain was indeed worth it.

A hand laid on his stomach, his brother's hand. So Lynn laid his there, too. They twined together. He imagined they both could feel the shared heat of their sexes coupling just beneath his skin.

New tears fell down his cheeks.

But he couldn't do this with his natural body. He couldn't be the home for his lover. He couldn't bear his brother's love inside his body, nurturing it and giving it life. He couldn't do any of it...

The dream fractured. It wasn't Lynn under his brother anymore. It was a real woman.

And he rolled over onto his side, back in his bedroom, and cried.

It was bad enough when it was self hate and curiosity.

But now he had a reason...

A true reason...

To hate being a man.


End file.
